Your Sense of Humor - How Hard Does It Hit?

By Lynn Grasberg

"Among those whom I like or admire, I can find no common denominator, but among those whom I love, I can: all of them make me laugh." – W. H. Auden, poet

As a speech coach, I love helping people with serious messages learn how to deliver them with humor and a twinkle in the eye. Why? Because audiences remember what we say when they are enjoying what they hear and laughing (sometimes to the point of tears) while they take in our information.

There’s something delightful about speaking to a group of people and facilitating a moment when everyone laughs together. There’s an electricity in the air and a connection between us all.

Sometimes that laughter has a nervous edge to it, though, when the speaker has targeted a particular individual or group for ridicule, especially someone who is perceived to have less social power than the one talking.

This kind of put-down humor creates an in-group and an out- group. Since most of us want to be “in”, we sometimes find ourselves laughing at things that aren’t really funny,

and “HA-ha-ha-ha-HA . . . ewww” leaves a bad taste in our mouths.

As someone who was born on April Fool’s Day, I know what it’s like to be on the receiving end of a mean-spirited joke. Sometimes I would laugh along just to try to get the focus off of me. I also noticed other people laughing because they didn’t want to be the next target. I call this kind of emoting "don’t-hit-me” laughter. It’s a companion to

Don’t-Hit-Me Humor

In my sometimes abusive family, I found that if I could make my mother or my father laugh when they were angry, they might forget to punish me verbally or physically.

The first time I accidentally discovered don’t-hit-me humor, according to family lore, was when I was just big enough to sit up in a high chair and my young parents took me out to eat (at a restaurant!). My father put me in the chair and gave me a glass of water. He made the mistake of turning his head for a moment, and I got a great idea! I emptied the contents of the glass into his pocket and raised the glass triumphantly declaring, “All gone!” (Mommy and Daddy always liked it when I ate or drank it all up, whatever was in my dish.)

Daddy was dripping and starting to get steamed when he looked at my Mother and they both broke into hysterical laughter.

My little mind took note of the kind of thing I might occasionally be able to “get away with” and a don’t-hit-me humorist was born.

I’ve had to work hard to unlearn this kind of laugh getting!

I’ll Hit Myself First

Sometimes, with a “don’t hit me” approach, you hit yourself first, so no one else can hurt you unexpectedly. This approach has at least two dangerous edges though, one that may cut your audience (if they identify with what you say as a criticism of them) and one that can hurt you (if you’re habitually making yourself feel “less than” other people).

As my friend and brilliant co-teacher, Nick Peterson says, "It's okay to tell self-deprecating jokes as long as you do it with affection."

“With affection” may be the key to all humor that is inclusive. And being inclusive is what it’s ALL about – according to this April Fool, anyway.